Why I left Mormonism.

Being raised Mormon from a young age makes it so you don’t really have any idea what else is out there. I spent roughly 24 years in the Church. I was always taught it wasn’t a cult. I would hear people call it a cult and blindly argue back. I thought I was part of a very sacred religion that had the fullness of the gospel and the full truth.

I was taught that only living a righteous life in the Mormon Church would bring true happiness. It was engraved into my mind: I couldn’t be happy outside the Church because this was the only way. I eventually found out otherwise, and realized how much of that was bullshit. The Church had all kinds of ways to keep you inside. One phrase I remember hearing was, “Don’t let Satan hold you down and wrap you in his chains.”

I started wondering whether people outside the Church were actually happy. If they didn’t worship Joseph Smith, God, Heavenly Father, or follow the same rules I did, how could they be happy? That question sounds simple now, but at the time it mattered. It opened the door to something I had barely allowed myself to consider: maybe people could be genuinely happy without Mormonism.

X marks the spot. I realized I might be able to be happy without the Church, and if that was true, maybe what I had been drinking was bullshit. There were a lot of things that eventually solidified my decision to become an ex-Mormon. Growing up, what I remember most was how much misery revolved around the Church.

I preached that this life was the time to prepare to meet God. We had to live according to God’s will. We had to praise God for everything. But eventually I started asking: what about all the work I did?

If I studied for a test and got a good grade, I gave God the credit even though I was the one who put in the time. If I got a job, I thanked God even though I was the one who applied, interviewed, learned, and built the experience that helped me get the next one. I thanked God for helping me work hard, while barely giving myself credit for the mental and physical work I was actually doing.

That started to matter to me. I was taught that we are responsible for our choices, thoughts, and actions, but somehow the credit for the good things kept being handed somewhere else. I started believing that maybe the credit should go to us. Love yourself and love your neighbor. Praise yourself and praise other people for the work they actually do.

The fear and self-punishment

All of those things started adding up. If I had felt so much misery because of the Church’s manipulation, why did I keep going?

For years, I mentally abused myself because I thought I was making the “wrong” decisions and pulling myself farther away from eternal salvation. That fear was always there in the background. Leaving was one of the best decisions I made because it finally allowed me to start feeling real love for myself and other people without running everything through the question of whether I was worthy enough.

I don’t know what happens after this life, and I don’t think anyone can honestly say they know. We have beliefs, stories, experiences, speculation, and opinions. But none of us can prove what happens after death while we are alive. I decided I did not want the only life I know I have to be restricted by fear of something nobody can prove.

Unlearning it took time

Becoming an ex-Mormon may have been one of the best decisions of my life, but it wasn’t instantly easy. It takes years to unlearn automatic beliefs and thought patterns. I had to unlearn what I had been conditioned to believe and start allowing myself to think and feel differently.

I realized that if I had spent years eating, sleeping, praying, and studying Mormonism, I was probably going to have to put real effort into unlearning it too.

I also started questioning experiences I had always labeled as “the Spirit.” Why did that physical feeling feel so similar to what I felt watching a powerful sports movie, hearing music, or seeing something genuinely moving? Maybe those warm fuzzies were a normal human emotional response—not proof that I had a constant supernatural companion.

I stopped accepting, “It’s okay that I don’t have the answer now. God will tell me when it’s time,” as an answer to every difficult question.

Freedom means actually being free to choose

Life still goes up and down. Leaving the Church didn’t turn life into a perfect story. I would still rather have freedom in the only life I know I have and do my best to love myself and other people.

Freedom and “free agency” are not always the same thing. Just because the word free is in it doesn’t mean the choice feels free. You are told you have the right to choose, but you are also taught that choosing wrong could ruin your salvation or separate you from your family forever. That is not a neutral choice. That is pressure.

Leaving Mormonism also changed the way I saw other people. I became more accepting of people from different races, sexual orientations, and backgrounds. I had been taught to judge people while worshiping a God I was told was all about love. If God is real, I don’t believe that love would depend on someone’s race, who they love, or whether they fit somebody else’s religious expectations.

Leaving gave me room to look inward for love and support. It helped me prove to myself that I was strong enough to get through life, and that a lot of the strength I had always credited somewhere else had been mine all along.

Why I built The XMormon

I share this because I know what it feels like when questioning something this big makes your entire world feel unstable. I don’t expect everyone to reach the same conclusions I did. What I care about is giving people room to question honestly, compare evidence, recognize fear and manipulation when it is there, and make decisions that actually belong to them.

Question this site too. Follow sources. Compare perspectives. Keep what holds up. Let go of what doesn’t.